Weight, Drugs, and Rockin Rolls...

So if you know me, you know that I am every chasing the dream of being a skinny "b"... and you also know that my dream has eluded me, almost my entire life.
Sadly I was exposed to dieting at a VERY young age... I honestly don't remember a time when I was NOT on some sort of diet. My first declaration of not accepting myself can be found in my 12 year old diary writings..." I need to do something to lose a few pounds " and then going on to say that I cannot believe that I am as fat as I was.... AT AGE 12! It was kindof a shocker to read... cause when I was 12? Yeah I was phenomenal... only I didnt know that!

So here I am at age ....34. And I have been told by my doctor... NO MORE DIETING.  What? What does that mean?

I of course PANICKED and started asking a million questions. Literally firing them off faster than ANYONE could have answered.  Questions like:

Can I still eat the HCG maintenance diet? ( which is basically how I eat now)
Can I drink protien shakes? ( these are on my list to try FO SHO!)
I dont eat white flour... can I still avoid it?

WHAT IS NO MORE DIETING?

F.Y.I. my doctor thinks I am INSANE.

He sat back with a smile, and listened and didn't say a word about my chattery panic attack. Then he smiled and asked... "So, do you think that you suffer from Anxiety?"
HHHHWHAT? I probably sat there blinking for at least 30 silent seconds. "uhhhhhhhh..... no?"

(More smiling and quiet from Dr. B.)  hmmmmm I'll print you off a test I want you to take ok? um sure...but lets get back to this what can I eat business.

So he tells me that based on my test results ( 12 vials of blood, and 4 pages later) I have something called PCOS, I also have something called SYNDROME X or Metabolic Syndrome, VITAMIN D deficiency, and severely low levels of testosterone ( Have fun reading this one!).  Basically a cocktail of reasons why I never seem to be able to lose weight and keep it off... among other symptoms I have dealt with for seemingly ever.

So what does this all mean for me? It means I'm old, and I have a pharmacy on my nightstand. (Ok so this isn't my nightstand, but mine is BEYOND dusty and I'm not showing it to anyone)

So back to the no dieting... I'm having SUCH a hard time with this! SERIOUSLY! It is so INGRAINED into my being to not allow excessive carbs, to seriously limit sugar, absolutely no soda, and never ever white flour.  So I find myself fighting my inner dieter! And yes, as soon as he said no dieting... what did I want more than ever? A fat burning pill. ( these are what I asked if I could have ) Hey! Don't judge!

So 1 month visit re-cap... ZERO weight loss through the holidays...even with my drug cocktail that is supposed to help.  I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOO(ooooooo) sad. And good ol' Dr. B? He says " Aren't you proud of yourself? - YOU DIDNT GAIN!" um that would be a definite NOPE from me.
Why am I so hard on myself? I mean, I went to Hawaii ( & stayed here,sigh, it was AMAZING), and went thru Christmas and didn't gain any weight... I should be proud, I can say that I am... out loud. Inside? I'm pissed off that the stupid scale said NADA in the loss dept.

He can see how disappointed I am, so he tries to reassure me... "Hey, I said we are fixing this problem, I never said there would be immediate results, do you trust me? We are just starting to adjust your levels and find where your body should be...quit frowning, it will give you wrinkles." Thanks... as if I needed something else to stress about... now he is talking wrinkles. ( " cool! do you have something for those too?" I ask... I get the smile...end of discussion)

So we up my dose of the Metformin ( no I'm not diabetic...I just don't process insulin normally & this is what they prescribe for the PCOS and Metabolic Syndrome). He adds a low dose of Phentermine and tells me... STOP EXERCISING for a while...like a week or maybe two... try something simple... like walking and then you can SLOWLY start an exercise regimen again... BUT NOTHING for the first little while.

*I AM LISTENING AND FREAKING OUT INSIDE*  no dieting, and now no exercise. I am doooooomed.  Now don't get me wrong... I am not one of those LOVERS of exercise... I argue with myself in my head to make myself get on the eliptical. I do, and its hilarious... even I think that I am nuts after a good argument with myself. But the bottom line is, that I am a NAZI when it comes to trying to slim down, I am the most diligent and dedicated person I know... if I tell myself that I have to do it... I do. no cheating. ever. Ask anyone... I have the will power of STEEL. ( unless you put sushi under my nose... there is no amount of steel resolve that can make me say, "no thank you" to a sunset roll or seared tuna)

So I decide to lay it all out on the table... "Dr. B? I HATE breakfast...hate the way I feel if I eat in the morning, HATE it. Can I at least have that? Can I maybe just eat an apple? or just sip on some Chai Green Tea?"
I get the "nope" answer and then BEG literally BEG... "ok fine, can I please just drink a protein shake then? I am wearing him down. I get a big sigh... and a YES!!!! But I must report... as of yet... and almost to my 2 month mark... I have yet to eat or drink breakfast. I know he will yell at me, but I just cant make myself do it.

So am I noticing a difference? Maybe. I don't know about in the weight loss department, but I do have moments when I look and think....MAYBE. Thats all I'm giving it.

Now I ADORE Dr. B. and have decided that my whole family should see him... so in the last month, when things have come up... like daughter hurting wrist and son having an asthma attack... I take them to him. And he never fails to ask me "how are things going" and I always have a reply for him... "not as quickly as I want. Can you add something that will make me HOT by February?" and yes... he just laughs at me, knowing I am COMPLETELY serious. The last time, he said... " We aren't looking for a quick fix here. I'm fixing the problem" CRAP. I hate it when I get put in my place. So I guess for now, I get to set aside the Weight, the Drugs, and start ROCKIN THE ROLLS...( I say that on the outside...inside I'm still screaming)

 I WANT HOTNESS! I WANT THAT SKINNY BI*%^$!!!! I dont want to wait, I want BIG RESULTS AND.................................. I WANT IT NOW! ( Thats what she said~ *hehehe)

updates to come... the next big appointment is the 31st...